NBA Trade Deadline Analysis: Winners and Losers

Georgios Printezis

The Winners: 

Daryl Morey, Houston Rockets GM: The Sacramento Kings called him. You always win when the Kings call, unless you're being drafted by them. Which reminds me, rookie forward Thomas Robinson is a winner for escaping from Sacramento in record time after being drafted by the franchise. He did it in only eight months, shattering the previous mark held by Kenny "The Jet" Smith, who played his first two and a half seasons with the Kings.

Memphis Grizzlies: Acquired one-time NBA Champion Dexter Pittman, who has career averages of 2.8 points, 2.0 rebounds, and is consistently among the league leaders in minutes on the bench per game. Hey, someone has to keep Zach Randolph's seat warm.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Acquired rights to forward Georgios Printezis. Enough said.


The Losers:

Morris twins are reunited

Milwaukee Bucks: Acquired sharpshooter J.J. Redick in an attempt to get Monta Ellis to pass the ball every once in awhile. Those close to Ellis suggest he will continue to take long contested 2-point jump shots with no intent to pass to a wide open Redick.

Charlotte Bobcats: Let's be honest: they're losers every day.

Lindsey Hunter, Phoenix Suns head coach: Suns acquired Marcus Morris and reunited him with his twin brother Markieff, and Hunter inherits the task of telling them apart. Kansas coach Bill Self famously told the duo to enter the draft after their junior seasons so he wouldn't have to worry about getting their names wrong ever again. The Suns, themselves, made the mistake in the draft just two years ago when they accidentally drafted the wrong brother. (Repeating their own history of twin follies, they once drafted Robin Lopez, thinking he was Brook.)

Anonymous reporter makes up anonymous sources

UNNAMED LOCATION—An anonymous sports reporter admitted to making up anonymous sources “a time or two” in order to write a story in a recent conversation with Alexander the Great Sports Blog.

“It's possible that every anonymous source I've ever used may have never actually existed,” said a reporter who wishes to remain nameless, “but I swear at least a few of them were real.”

When pressed for what stories that he may have used a nameless source, he offered a few examples.

“Oh, you know the usual stuff,” stated the reporter, who is not in anyway fake or fictional. “The anonymous teammate, coach or high-ranking team official thinks Tebow blows, unnamed disgruntled player thinks his coach sucks, nameless baseball player says everybody is still on steroids or HGH-- the staples, really.”

Raiders fire Dennis Allen, hire winner of local Madden tournament

Raiders owner Mark Davis is excited about the future

OAKLAND, CA—In a move straight from the playbook of the late Al Davis, his son, Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis, announced today that head coach Dennis Allen has been fired, and 18-year-old Kyle Wheaton, winner of a local “Madden NFL 13” tournament, will take over as head coach.

“When my dad saw talent, he didn't let it pass him by,” said Davis. “The way this kid controlled his team with the push of a button on a controller, input a fury of audibles at the line of scrimmage and showed the courage to go for it on 4th and 17 from his own 13-yard line was amazing to watch, and I can't wait to see him use that genius for the Raiders.”

The tournament of 16 amateur Madden enthusiasts was held at one of GameStop's Bay Area locations in downtown Oakland. Davis attended the tournament by chance.

ESPN: Next 30 for 30 will be all Tim Tebow

(Photo from deadspin.com)

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN's much anticipated sequel to their award-winning 30 for 30 series will be 30 films all inspired by Tim Tebow.

NFL Pro Bowl cancelled, will be replaced by talent show

NEW YORK CITY—After yet another Pro Bowl that lacked defense, intrigue or an audience that afterwards said, “Man, I'm glad I spent three hours watching that,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will finally pull the plug on the annual all-star game.

Falcons Matt Ryan to skip Pro Bowl to start rap career

ATLANTA—Alright stop, collaborate and listen. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan is about to drop some rhymes over a fresh beat. 

“I have decided to take full advantage of my nickname, Matty Ice,” said Ryan, “and become a rapper.”

Matty Ice will skip this year's Pro Bowl in order to record his first single “Matty Ice, Ice Baby: I'm Under Pressure."

“I was so glad when we finally got knocked out of the playoffs,” said Ryan. “I was planning on getting in the studio after the Seattle game, but my team actually won a playoff game. I mean who saw that coming?”

“Just when the NFL thought its all-star game couldn't become any more of a joke,” commented the only NFL fan who was excited to watch the Pro Bowl, “an NFC quarterback drops out to drop his first single. Perfect. There goes my Sunday.”

Manti Te'hoax II: Judgment Day

SOUTH BEND, IN—Word is spreading quickly that the heartbreaking tale about the girlfriend of Heisman runner-up Manti Te'o was actually an elaborate hoax. Her death and even existence were all a part of the lie, but it turns out that's just the tip of the iceberg in this conspiracy.

According to multiple sources from Notre Dame's athletic department, Manti Te'o is a cybernetic organism , or “cyborg,” created by the Notre Dame Department of Engineering and Robotics and planted with false memories.

“It's true,” said Dr. Eldon Tyrell, head of the robotics department. “Technically, Te'o the 'human' doesn't exist either. I guess we may have gone a bit overboard with his backstory. I knew we shouldn't have hired those damn English majors to write those memories.”

John Fox vows to be more conservative

Fox to rewrite playbook in the offseason to ensure Broncos always play not to lose

DENVER, CO—After the Denver Broncos fell 38-35 to the Baltimore Ravens in the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, head coach John Fox vowed to change up his playcalling. 

“I regret not being more conservative,” said Fox, notorious for his run calls on 3rd and long. “I know that there were mistakes in the game that I could have prevented with conservatism.”

Fox was criticized for his conservative calls by many in the sports world for running the ball late in the game when a first down throw from Manning would have clinched a victory and for running out the clock at the end of both halves with multiple timeouts remaining.