|(Photo from deadspin.com)|
“We wanted to think of something to keep people interested in ESPN during the NFL offseason,” said ESPN President John Skipper, “so with that in mind we're very excited to announce that we are planning to debut our next 30 for 30 series featuring 30 films on the ratings rainmaker, Timothy Richard Tebow, in July 2013.”
While this comes as no surprise to anyone who has watched five minutes of ESPN's programming and coverage in the last two years, 30 films about a man that has only scored 29 touchdowns and started 16 games in his three NFL seasons seems not only excessive, but nearly impossible.
“At first, I said the same thing,” said Skipper. “I could see doing maybe 15 to 20 films, but 30? Come on, man! But I was quickly convinced by our ratings, whenever we talk about Tebow running shirtless in the rain or that incomplete pass he threw eight weeks ago, the numbers just skyrocket.”
For those expecting the consolation prize of at least seeing the two or three films about Tebow's worthwhile accomplishments at the University of Florida, or even his playoff run as a member of the Denver Broncos, disappointment is coming.
The 30 films will only be about his short time on the New York Jets. “30 films for 30 snaps?” said every former NFL player working for ESPN. “Good God, I need to find a new place to work.”
Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith will be featured heavily in the films yelling at each other over a wide variety of topics including Tebow's prospects of being a starter in the NFL, Tebow's religion, Tebow's romantic life, Tebow's effect on a team, Tebow's next potential team and Tebow's lack of tebowing (adding up to essentially an episode of First Take).
“I can't wait,” said Bayless. “Everybody thinks 30 films is too many, but once again I'm the only person in the media that looks at Tim Tebow rationally and objectively. The guy deserves a minimum of 60 films!”
The documentaries will include the following titles: Secret Footage of Tebow reacting to the Butt Fumble, Covering Tebow: the Tale of Ed Werder, Second String is the New Third String, Tebow keeps seat warm for Mark Sanchez, Tebow takes a nap and The Prayers of a Personal Punt Protector.
At press time, ESPN's parent company, Disney, confirmed they are still planning to make Angels in the Endzone: Tebow Time chronicling Tebow's miracle-filled season with the Broncos, and Mumford & Sons frontman Marcus Mumford will play the leading role.
"I've never acted before," said Mumford, "nor have I ever played quarterback at any level. But with how bad Tebow plays the position at times, I figured that would make for a more realistic performance."
What would you call your Tebow 30 for 30 film? Excited for Disney's movie?