You are cordially invited to:
What: Super Bowl XLVII
(aka "the HarBOWL," or "the Superbaugh," or "Super Harbaugh-io Brothers 2: Mario Madness.")
Who: The San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens
Key player to watch:
|Steiner giving Kaepernick the trademark "Steiner Recliner"|
(49ers): All eyes will be on sophomore quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who controversially replaced starter Alex Smith in Week 10 to lead the 49ers to their first Super Bowl since '95. Kaepernick has been phenomenal this season and even more amazing in the postseason with 5 total TDs, 496 passing yards, 202 rushing yards, a passer rating of 105.9 and only 1 INT in only two games. Despite these stats, Kaepernick gets a bad rap-ernick much of the time from sports enthusiasts. Some have qualms because of his selection over Smith, or his non-traditional style of playing the QB position (long balls and read-option), or the fact that his voice sounds like Ryan Gosling when he was on the Mickey Mouse Club. Mostly though, or at least for myself, it's his recent trademark of "Kaepernicking." I'm not so upset about the egotistical angle, or the fact that he's kissing his bible-verse-scrolled biceps, but more so the fact that he totally stole this from former WCW World Heavyweight Champion Scott Steiner. I think I speak for every nWo fan when I say the "Booty Daddy" himself needs to put him in the old "Steiner Recliner."
(Ravens): Although the Ravens have a myriad of ridiculous characters, the obvious choice would be Ray Lewis, who never disappoints in the entertainment department. Recently he has been linked to the Deer Antler Spray that contains IGF-1, a growth hormone banned by the NFL and other professional sports. Other than the fact that he was spraying himself with an aerosol can of Bambi's deceased father, he disputes all accusations (surprise, surprise) claiming he is "too blessed to be stressed." You know who else was too "blessed to stressed"?" O.J. Simpson, Lorena Bobbitt, Casey Anthony and the hunter who shot Bambi's father.
When: Sunday, Feb. 3, 2013.
That's right, the day after Groundhog Day or as I like to call it, "the day Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell fall in love." (I'm pretty upset that it's not actually on Groundhog day and I had the same sort of repeating day that Bill Murray experienced. I can only imagine the hijinks that would ensue, whether it be making millions off gambling websites, or changing the lip-syncing tape that Beyonce uses for the halftime show to a Milli Vanilli record, or helping old homeless folks find true love while avoiding Ned "the head" Ryerson.)
Where: The Superdome - New Orleans, LA.
What else does this poor city have to withstand? They overcame four storms, a national recession, AND still have the best ethics laws … and yet they get rewarded with no hope at a Patriots upset and get stuck with a repeat of Super Bowl XXXV, where Trent Dilfer got his ring by beating Kerry Collins.
Obviously, I'm kidding. While both teams are noted for their defensive superstars and ever more Super Duper Nicknames, (Aldon Smith (99 Problems), Ed Reed (THE Ball Hawk), Haloti Ngata (Ngata Yard past me), Ray Lewis (Raytorious L52 or The Land Shark), Justin Smith (The Cowboy), Patrick Willis (Bam-Bam), and Terrell Suggs (T-Sizzle), they also have their fair share of offensive playmakers. There's no doubt Flacco is making a case to get paid some serious money next year after posting 853 passing yards this postseason, along with 8 TDs, no INTs and a passer rating of 114.7. On top of that, Torrey Smith and Anquan Boldin are playing out of their minds, and they still have a top-3 running back in the league with Hey Diddle Diddle Ray Rice up the middle. On the San Francisco side, they utilize Kaepernick to the extreme, but against the Ravens experienced and daunted D he will definitely have to trust in his insane core of "the self-proclaimed G.O.A.T." Randy Moss, Michael Crabtree, and the always underused Vernon Davis at the tight end position along with Frank Gore and LaMichael James running the option with him. So maybe New Orleans is a "luckier" city than I considered. (Except for their inability to make the playoffs, and the whole Bounty gate thing ... and the fact that their head coach was suspended for the whole season.)
How: Like any Super Bowl, this game should be watched with a group of people, whether it be at a family gathering, a local bar, or with a group of friends at home. Refreshments should include Garrett Celery and Peanut Butter, Ricky Jean-Frank and Beans, Dennis Pita Chips and Dip, and of course Ted Ginn Junior Mints and Michael Oher-eo Pudding for dessert. Most importantly though, if you don't have a favorite team, I strongly suggest picking one before kickoff and rooting one on. It's always more satisfactory to have a horse in the race. Not having one is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes, you'll never go platinum!
Why: The Ravens Cinderella story reaches the final act after their miraculous run in the postseason. Most doubted Ray Lewis' retirement and the effect it would have on his team, but it clearly lifted their play to get them past a young Colts club, a talented and extremely hot Broncos team, and of course the perennial-favorite Patriots. The 49ers, although favorited throughout most of the season, were not without their struggles. Other than the obvious midseason quarterback switch, they managed to draw the terrible St. Louis Rams one time and barely managed a victory in overtime in their second match. They manhandled a weak Packers D but still allowed 31 points from the cheese heads, and had a rough start against a well-balanced Falcons squad. With all that being said…
Alexander the Great's Prediction:
49ers - 28, Ravens - 23