Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Manti Te'hoax II: Judgment Day
SOUTH BEND, IN—Word is spreading quickly that the heartbreaking tale about the girlfriend of Heisman runner-up Manti Te'o was actually an elaborate hoax. Her death and even existence were all a part of the lie, but it turns out that's just the tip of the iceberg in this conspiracy.
According to multiple sources from Notre Dame's athletic department, Manti Te'o is a cybernetic organism , or “cyborg,” created by the Notre Dame Department of Engineering and Robotics and planted with false memories.
“It's true,” said Dr. Eldon Tyrell, head of the robotics department. “Technically, Te'o the 'human' doesn't exist either. I guess we may have gone a bit overboard with his backstory. I knew we shouldn't have hired those damn English majors to write those memories.”
Tyrell confessed that he could not continue the lie like the rest of the Notre Dame community. "He wasn't a victim of some online relationship, catfish-type situation," said Tyrell. "That's simply another lie to further avoid the truth of the matter."
Te'o's created backstory is rich with tragedy of not only a leukemia-stricken girlfriend named Lennay Kekua, but also a dying grandmother and stories of a Mormon, who, “by faith,” chose to go to a Catholic university.
"In hindsight, letting him talk to the press in the first place was probably a bad idea," said Tyrell, who plans to start his own corporation. "It's unfortunate that he'll have to retire so soon."
“I always wondered why any Mormon in their right mind would go to some Catholic institution,” said Mitt Romney, a famous Mormon. “That just never made any sense to me. Jimmer Fredette would never have considered that! It'd be like Tim Tebow going to some secular state school!”
The name Manti Te'o is an acronym for Moderated Artificial Nervous system The Inside linebacker: Tackle Edition One.
“We went through a lot of prototypes before settling on this one,” said Tyrell. “The name's a bit of a mouthful, so I'm sure you can see why we went elsewhere for the memories.”
After getting over the initial shock, the autonomous robot's teammates realized that it wasn't all that far-fetched. “It did seem really weird that the dude never had to pee,” said nose guard Louis Nix III.
Running back Cierre Wood also recalled a suspicious event. “One time I was walking past his dorm room, and he was just shouting out binary,” said Wood. “I just brushed it off and thought he was listening to that Flight of the Conchords song.”
Rumor has it that Alabama coach Nick Saban found out about Te'o's robotic nature and forced the Irish to find a human replacement for the cyborg, which would explain the utter disappearance of Tackle Edition One from the BCS title game.
Saban has been accused of using his own cyborg players in the past, but has learned to distract opponents, fans and Brent Musberger from finding out the truth by giving his starting quarterback an extremely attractive girlfriend.
At press time, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly could not be reached as he feigned interest in an opening for a NFL coaching position in a ploy for Notre Dame to pay him more money.