Houston an ideal spot for Reed, other aging NFL stars

By: Seth of Reddington

HOUSTON, TX—Ed Reed has done it all. 

Super Bowl winner, 9-time Pro Bowler, former AP Defensive Player of the Year, former college roommate of Reggie Wayne.

At 34 years of age, some would ask, "Well, what's next?"

The answer: early retirement … sort of.

Reed, currently a free agent, visited with the Houston Texans on Thursday and Friday to discuss a potential deal.

Reed sat down (he stood) with a few reporters after exiting the offices of Reliant Stadium late Thursday evening. When asked what he thought about Houston so far, Reed replied, "I like it. It's a great complex, a great area and I have a lot of respect for what Arian [Foster] and Andre [Johnson] have done here."

"This organization seems to be on the up and up," said Reed while trying to keep a straight face. He appeared to be holding something back. After all, with Reed's impressive body of work and nearly every team showing some sort of interest, many within the sports world were surprised to see Houston listed as his first choice.

Reed explained, "To be honest, I'm getting up there in age, and the idea of warm weather and a shortened season just sounded really good. I mean, when I was in Baltimore it seemed like every year I was out there destroying my body until like late January. This year it was February! Nope. Not this guy. Not anymore."

He added, "The Texans have only made the playoffs twice since I've been in the league, and they've proven that the Cincinnati Bengals are the only team they can get past."

Reed nodded.

"I like my odds on that."

The future hall-of-famer already has 61 career interceptions in the NFL, but it appears he doesn't plan on adding to that impressive total anytime soon. "I mean think about it- JJ Watt knocks down every ball thrown on that defense, so they won't need me to do much in the secondary. They're offering me big bucks to play under a roof, watch JJ Watt terrorize quarterbacks and hang up my cleats in early January? Where do I sign?"

He would go on to mention Houston's stellar retirement community and his need to get away from elite quarterback Joe Flacco's flamboyant personality.

Reed's weekend meetings were cut short on account of a visiting Pitbull concert, but league sources expect Reed and the Texans to come to a deal sometime this week.

Space Jam Sequel: The Modern Day MonSTARS

The original Mean Team

While I was recently working on my latest screenplay, "Space Jam II: Return of the JAM!" I came across the quandary of which NBA Stars would be unwillingly sacrificing their powers to the mischievous and parasitic martians known as the Nerdlucks/Monstars.

Now while I don't wish to divulge the genius of my current writings until it reaches the silver screen, I have deemed it acceptable to display the rough draft of who the starting 5 for the new and improved modern Monstars.

Point Guard: Tony Parker 

There's not really anyone like Muggsy nowadays, other than maybe Kevin Hart, so I went with a different approach. I thought maybe a smooth talking, great passing, French point guard with a super-duper hot wife who could make a sweet cameo would be absolutely magnifique. 

For a guy who literally should be a front runner in the MVP conversation every year, "the French Prince" is often forgotten as a premiere point guard more than the second Vivian Banks in the last seasons of Fresh Prince. So, what better way to give him some notoriety than have him star in his first major role alongside other NBA super stars.

Shooting Guard: James Harden 

This was pretty simple for me. He's an All-Star, he's the leading scorer and catalyst for one of the most dynamic offenses in the league, and has a personality that most NBA fans seem to gravitate towards. Overall the two biggest reasons for the selection have to be that:

1) In "Space Jam," the Monstars were missing some serious perimeter shooting. They started a point guard in Muggsy Bogues who was hardly known for his shooting prowess, (career 3PT% of .278), and the other four starters consisted of Barkley and LJ (Forwards) and Ewing and Bradley (Centers).

2) Its not often you get to see an Alien with a giant freaky beard. I could only imagine he would end up looking like some form of Alf-like creature trying to eat Sylvester the whole time.

Small Forward: Paul George

Screw it! You're telling me a hybrid SG/SF with more hops than a Three Floyds Alpha King, has competed, (and been robbed), in a dunk contest, is an All-Star in only his 3rd season and also competing in his first ever 3-point competition isn't good enough to be in Space Jam II: Return of the JAM! just because he's soft spoken, generally stoic, and is from a small market?!

Oh, you were trying to tell me that you actually agree? Good deal.

Power Forward: Blake Griffin


What's the one thing every cartoon alien team from the small theme-park planet of Moron Mountain needs? A player that can Slamma-jamma with the best of them. Blake Griffin is already considered by many a top 10 dunker of all time in his short career and continues to climb the ranks since his recent partnership with fellow Lob City-mate, perennial All-Star Chris Paul.  On top of his already fantastic playing ability, he has impressed with his acting abilities in many commercials and short films during the player lockout of 2011.

Center: Brook Lopez

With Brook Lopez comes opportunity. Sure, he doesn't have the dopy lovableness of a Shawn Bradley, or the bad-assery of a Patrick Ewing, but he's a sturdy offensive-minded center with All-Star credentials.  While my mind told me to go with someone who had a little more personality, like a KG or a Tyson Chandler, my heart just kept saying, "pick a really tall, dorky, white...ish guy with some Latin American flair" and that I did. 

Most of all though, I love the idea of the Monstars accidentally stealing Robin Lopez's talents instead and ending up losing the game on a missed layup or him being useless throughout the game. (Robin had 10 games in 2012 where he went for a combined 5 of 29 from the field with a total of 11 rebounds. Did I mention he was playing over 12 minutes on average in those 10 games?)

So, there you have it. What do you think of the new team of stolen talents? Who would make up your modern day Monstars?